Talking to Myself

Dear Offspring,

I want to thank you for allowing your mother and I the opportunity to hear ourselves talk. In today's world of busy, noisy chaos; we do not often get the gift of hearing our own voices. So by allowing us to say the same thing over and over and over with no response, we were truly able to hear clearly. At least I am assuming that was your intent rather than choosing to ignore us. And while it was a treat, it is not necessary for you to give this gift again. Actually, I insist you never give it again, although we do appreciate your generous spirits.

Your Loving Dad

Fast Food

Dear Offspring,

When I was growing up eating out was a treat. It was something that only happened rarely, and because your grandfather was not a fan of fast food, that was an even greater rarity. So please don't give me the line that you should have McDonalds at least once a week, because everyone else does. If that is really your world view, then get a job and make those dreams come true.

Your Loving Dad

Math

Dear Offspring,

I graduated third in my High School class with a 3.967 GPA and a 30 ACT. I am a Magna Cum Laude Honors College graduate from MUW and Magna Cum Laude Graduate with an MDIV from Emory University. I am well read and respected among my peers. I have never felt as inferior, at any time in my life, as I do now after 15 minutes with 5th Grade Math. I am now going to sit in a dark corner and reflect upon how I got this far in life without front-end estimation and communitive property.

Your Loving Dad

Life Lesson

Dear Offspring,

There are some things in life that cannot be controlled; thus we learn acceptance and trust. So trust me when I say " my house, my money, my rules." 

Your Loving Dad

Smarter than the Average 5th Grader

Dear Offspring,

Today I celebrate your academic accomplishments. One of you scored the highest in the entire 5th grade in all subject areas of the benchmark tests, followed by your brother who placed second to you in science. Yep, all our school kids showed up and showed out, which is to be expected of your DNA. But the greatest celebration today is not just your intellectual prowess,but the affirmation that you might truly be out of my house one day. So here is to greater achievement in the years ahead; to scholarships; to highly paid professions; and to marrying well just in case.

Your Loving Dad

Doing the Right Thing

Dear Offspring,

I want to start by thanking you for cleaning the playroom while I was gone. I am not crazy enough to think you did it willingly, but I appreciate it nonetheless. Which brings me to my thought for today, namely doing things you don't want to, because they are the right things to do. For instance, when you are whining about what we are having for dinner, there is part of me that wants to just let you starve. But that is when I choose to do the right thing and continue to feed you nonetheless. We'll that, and knowing your grandparents would cause me no end of grief.

Your Loving Dad

Quiet mornings

Dear Offspring,

I have to admit waking up this morning alone in this hotel room was very strange. Although I did not have to get up early, I just naturally did. You will understand as you get older. There was no whining, no fighting, no noise. Just me. And I missed you. So I am choosing to savor the moment, because Lord knows by the time I get home and we all get to bed tonight, I will be missing this room more. But know this, the old sentiment is true. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and God provides brain damage to parents so we forget and thus let you live another day. See ya tonight.

Your Loving Dad

School Mornings

Dear Offspring,
As I gazed down at your peacefully, angelic sleeping forms this morning. I had a moment when I could not help but be grateful for the blessing of such healthy, wonderful children.  Then I woke you for this first day back at school after Spring Break, and you graciously ended my moment of revelry.  It never ceases to amaze me how no amount of bedtime preparation can have us ready for school mornings.  The clothes that you and your mother agreed upon just a few short hours before are now instruments of torture and physical proof that your parents don't care for you.  The backpacks that were so carefully packed with everything you needed are now suddenly missing vital contents that can only be discovered in the final moments before leaving. And let's not forget those pesky shoes that always walk away from where they are supposed to be.  So now that we are back in the groove of school, lets just begin by affirming these facts:  "I am mean," "School is bad,"  and "This is so-unfair."  So feel no further need to expound upon these every morning until summer.  I have lost a few brain cells because of each of you, but I will always remember just how mistreated you are.
Your Loving Dad