Mamaw's Rules

Dear Offspring,

It is often part of my Dad responsibilities to school you in some of the harsher realities of life. You need to understand that just because Mamaw lets you do it, does not mean that the rest of the world will grant you such privilege. In fact, that will rarely be the case. In the real world it is not usually acceptable to wear pajamas all day and eat chips for breakfast; even if Mamaw has blessed it.

Your Loving Dad

Discernment

Dear Offspring,

My prayer for you today is that one day God may grant you the gift of discernment. Not the deeply spiritual gift that allows you to glimpse and know the Will of God. While that would indeed be a blessing, I am speaking of something more basic. I am simply seeking for you the ability to realize and fully comprehend when I have reached the end of my sanity, and nothing remains but rage, suffering, and gnashing of teeth. For surely it is your lack of discernment that would lead you to believe that bedtime is the most appropriate time to develop amnesia when it comes to the evening routine you have known for years.

Your Loving Dad

Prayer

Dear Offspring,

I want to thank you for all you have taught me about prayer. As your mother carried each of you before you were born, I learned to pray with Hope. At your birth as you entered into this great big world with all the uncertainty of new life, I learned to pray with Love. Countless times in these years as you have each faced difficult times and health struggles, I gave learned to pray with Faith. And as you have learned to push all my buttons, I have learned to pray with Patience. But tonight, as you once again whine about the unfairness of your life, I pray with Fervor, "Lord, please wrap your hands around their mouths before I wrap my hands around their necks."

Your Loving Dad

Sundays

Dear Offspring,

Just in case you were wondering, being the preacher means that Sundays, while Biblical "days of rest," are far from stress free. So after a busy morning at church, the last thing I want to come home to is a house full of stress and anxiety. So help me out with these simple steps. One, do what your mother says ( without question, explanation, complaint or comment). Two, refer to step one as often as necessary. And Three, make sure I never know when you fail at 1 and 2. Denial is usually not acceptable, but on Sundays, consider it mandatory.

Your Loving Dad

Walmart

Dear Offspring,

Although you apparently doubt it, compared to many children you are well exposed to public spaces. You have traveled internationally. You take regular vacations. You have been to concerts and theatre productions. You also eat in restaurants with table cloths and table service. So why do you feel the need, whenever we go to Walmart, to act as if we never let you out among decent folk? All home training goes out the window, you get a glazed look in your eyes, and develop a maniacal giggle. Now I do understand the strange power Walmart can have over a person.  I have gone in for something simple and routine, and left 5 hours later feeling drugged and having bought a singing Barney and a 25 pd bag of cat litter simply because it was on sale. Walmart does strange things to folks.  But the next time you get all get crazed, I am gonna leave you for your real parents to find. Besides, think of how much cat litter I can fit into the empty seats. We might even have room to get a cat.

Your Loving Dad

The In-Between Time

Dear Offspring,

Today is Holy Saturday. We have left behind the drama of Good Friday, but are not yet ready for the celebration of Easter. So we are waiting. I know it seems so much of our life is in these in-between times. We have yet to embrace our new life in Forest, but are constantly surrounded by the reminders that Eupora will soon be our home no longer. I know it is frustrating. I know it is scary. But it is where we are. The important thing is not that we are waiting, but how we wait. We wait together. So we will keep packing (I promise it will not kill you, although I might if you whine about it again!); we will keep cleaning out ( and remember, once it is in the trash bag, it is gone); we will keep struggling with sadness and excitement; and we will wait with all the mixed emotions and anticipation this day deserves. Just remember, we will never wait alone. That is unless I stomp you in the ground because you rolled your eyes at me just one more time.

Your Loving Dad

Holy Week Miracle

Dear Offspring,

I would like to point out that tonight you witnessed a miracle. You all played outside, happily, without fighting, until the street lights came on and we called you in to dinner. Then you came in laughing, talking, and commenting on how much fun you had together. All of this without electronics, or cat fights. See, it can be done.

Your Loving Dad